It’s been I don’t know how many months now since I left twitter. Nine? Ten? Something like that. I am so sorry that it has taken me this long to get to doing a proper update. And to those of you I promised letters – I’m still working on them, so please don’t think I’ve forgotten you. Finding a few minutes to myself is possible these days, but finding enough time where I feel rested and mentally & physically capable is a whole other matter.
It has been an incredibly tough year so far in actual fact, but I’m still standing, and more importantly, I’m still smiling. Becoming a mum has been everything I dreamed it would be, but not having full familial support or home help has been absolutely crippling. Having a baby was always based on the premise that I would have all the support I needed, and for one reason or another that just hasn’t happened. The lack of home help has been the biggest strain. We investigated it all long before I fell pregnant and were happy to see a service was provided, but when we went to avail of it we were told that there’s not enough funding to actually run it other than for a handful of elderly folk. Now if we weren’t having to use all our savings to fund a roof over our head, we’d have the money to pay for someone privately, but as our landlords have refused to let us apply for rent allowance we’ve had no other choice. We’re now about to move again, to the other side of the country, because the pot has run dry so we have to move somewhere that we can afford the rent. We’re sad to leave where we are because the property itself is lovely, but I for one am glad to be moving out of the area – I don’t like the stress of urban life; always rushing and traffic, and nightmare parking. I haven’t driven again in yonks because I just don’t like the pressure from other drivers on the road; I don’t feel safe or comfortable. Where we’re moving to is really rural, so it will be wonderful for me to be able to breathe again.
Having a baby naturally changes the dynamics of a relationship, but it’s had a far greater impact on me and N than I thought it would. Due to our fatigue levels with mostly become passing ships – one looking after the baby and doing housework, while the other conks out, and then we swap. Furthermore, all my mental and physical energy goes into the baby which means I barely have any left for N, which breaks my heart. The love is still there, and whenever we do get a moment together it’s back to messing around and giggling, but those moments are so few and far between now which makes me so sad. I’m hoping that now the baby is a little bit older (13 months!!!) and N has finished their DBT course, that we can move, get settled, and that life will be a little calmer and we’ll have the time and energy to focus on reconnecting. I hate the phrase, but hopefully there might be some much needed Date Nights on the horizon. Well, Date Days, more likely.
Things are more good than bad though. And waking up everyday knowing I have the family I always dreamed of makes all the hard stuff completely worth it. Mentally and emotionally I’m the best I’ve ever been. As I expected, being a mum has been the making of me – I feel so much more grounded and sure of myself. I still struggle with anxiety, but even that’s a lot better than it was. I have to speak to strangers far more than I used to because everyone (and I mean, EVERYONE) wants to come up and coo at the baby, so I’ve been forced to talk, but having the focus on the baby makes it that much easier to handle. I also want to be as much of a positive role model for her as I can be, so even if on the inside I’m in a mad flap and panic, on the outside I try my hardest to remain calm and composed. I’ve mostly succeeded in this, except for Gigantor Arachnids. Then it’s back to screaming, crying, flapping, and flailing!
On the matter of being a positive role model, I have also been trying to be more body positive and self accepting. As part of this I have been pursuing my pipe dream of being a plus size model, and it’s really taken off. So much so, in fact, that I’ve just been signed by a modelling agency! I’m also a body confidence spokeswoman for a plus size clothing store! It’s been so empowering, and it’s been really freeing to not give a damn about what people think of me. It’s also been an incredible confidence boost to be taken as a serious model – I’ve had so many compliments and made strong impressions. If you’d like to see what I’ve been doing you can ‘Like’ my Facebook page: Curvaceous And Bodacious
I do miss twitter sometimes, there’s no denying that. I have moments when I feel overwhelmed with my thoughts and need a good old twitter rant but can’t do it. It once took me two hours to turn a would-be twitter rant into a friendly, positive FB post, just so I could express it outwardly! It’s just still strange having thoughts and not sharing them with the internet! I also really miss seeing and knowing how all of you are doing. I am in touch with some of you, but y’know, it’s just not the same. Sniff.
As ever in my life, there have been incredibly tough times, stress, trauma and emotional upheaval, but at least now there is happiness, love, and even success to balance that all out. Not so long ago I used to go to bed wishing I wouldn’t wake up, now I go to bed smiling about the day I’ve just had.